Above Photo by Sophea Ek.
How We Care
Social Permaculture 101
How we Care for one Another
Social Permaculture 101
In my subculture, when women give birth they are often given a beautiful ceremony to honor the transition. It’s one initiation rite that we have reclaimed, and I am so grateful for it. If the person is lucky, one of their friends organizes a meal wheel, which helps them out for a few weeks. But in the months and years after mothers often experience intense lonliness and isolation. I am pretty sure that fathers and non-binary parents feel these feelings as well.
I remember giving birth and reaching out to a friend to support me in a Sacred Post Partum Ritual and she was too busy. At that time I had enough compassion practice to not take it personally. After my 2nd child I had noticed how so many loved ones were too busy to take time to care for us, and I committed to not be the person who was too busy to care for others.
There have been instanced since then when my life felt too full and/or chaotic to be able to support someone who needs support. I carry sadness about that. And I also have compassion for myself. It just wasn’t the right time to do so. But I know I wasn’t too busy.
We have so much to learn about caring for one another. I know I am not the only one who doesn’t feel satisfied in the care I receive.
So, here are some of my reflections about Community Care.
Please add more comments/suggestions.
There is a practice that our culture encourages for people: “ask for help.” Yes, asking for help is a great practice. And that’s also an over-simplification of a complex social norm.
What about all of those people who are literally devastated when they ask for help and receive none? For me, I got into the emotional space for years that if I asked for help I would be so disappointed by being rejected, which is what most often happened, that it was “easier” for me emotionally to not ask. Well, that’s what I believed anyways. And I still do many days.
Yep, it’s easier to be a single mother than to ask for help and be rejected!
What about the practice of asking if people need help?
But I know that for some people this would be great!
Well, when I am overwhelmed I might not know how you can help me if you ask. “It’s easier to just do it on my own than to try to come up with the words to tell you what to do.”
How about offering to help someone?
“I want to make you a meal.” That’s an offer.
“Can I make you a meal?” That’s asking for permission to help.
Often when I am so low that I feel like I need help, it’s actually less about the help that I need, and more about the connection.
“Can we go on a date? I know you getting childcare is hard for you, I can help OR we can bring the kids.”
Yep, for this single mama, even a date with the kids is better than no date at all.
Pick up the phone and reach out.
I know that not everyone wants to talk on the phone. Some people prefer texting. Some people want you to stop by.
Me, I want all of these things. My preference is to stop by, but letting me know first is best. 2nd best is talking on the phone.
Ask to touch me
“Can I rub your back?” Asking for permission is good!
Help get the need met
If someone asks for help they are making themselves vulnerable.
How you respond can be so important.
“I appreciate you for asking for help meeting your needs.”
“I love you and I want you to be well.”
“Let me think about how I can help you meet that need.”
Practice replacing the word “busy” with “full”
When I hear busy, I think “this is not a priority for me”. Which is fine and may be true. But, what I noticed is that as I changed my use of the word “busy”, I was able to see how I do prioritize things. It’s like taking control of my life rather than allowing it to become “busy”, and wondering how and why I just can’t make time for that friend who has reached out for help.
Build Trust and Remember that Recovery is a Deep, Dark Process
This is why people don’t ask for help. They don’t want to share their depths or darkness with anyone.
If you notice that something is wrong, say something.
And practice saying something when things are not wrong, to build trust.
Believe them
Honor their truth.
Honor their body.
Honor their mind.
Honor their spirit.
Treat them like a whole human.
How We Care
Social Permaculture 101
How we Care for one Another
Social Permaculture 101
In my subculture, when women give birth they are often given a beautiful ceremony to honor the transition. It’s one initiation rite that we have reclaimed, and I am so grateful for it. If the person is lucky, one of their friends organizes a meal wheel, which helps them out for a few weeks. But in the months and years after mothers often experience intense lonliness and isolation. I am pretty sure that fathers and non-binary parents feel these feelings as well.
I remember giving birth and reaching out to a friend to support me in a Sacred Post Partum Ritual and she was too busy. At that time I had enough compassion practice to not take it personally. After my 2nd child I had noticed how so many loved ones were too busy to take time to care for us, and I committed to not be the person who was too busy to care for others.
There have been instanced since then when my life felt too full and/or chaotic to be able to support someone who needs support. I carry sadness about that. And I also have compassion for myself. It just wasn’t the right time to do so. But I know I wasn’t too busy.
We have so much to learn about caring for one another. I know I am not the only one who doesn’t feel satisfied in the care I receive.
So, here are some of my reflections about Community Care.
Please add more comments/suggestions.
There is a practice that our culture encourages for people: “ask for help.” Yes, asking for help is a great practice. And that’s also an over-simplification of a complex social norm.
What about all of those people who are literally devastated when they ask for help and receive none? For me, I got into the emotional space for years that if I asked for help I would be so disappointed by being rejected, which is what most often happened, that it was “easier” for me emotionally to not ask. Well, that’s what I believed anyways. And I still do many days.
Yep, it’s easier to be a single mother than to ask for help and be rejected!
What about the practice of asking if people need help?
But I know that for some people this would be great!
Well, when I am overwhelmed I might not know how you can help me if you ask. “It’s easier to just do it on my own than to try to come up with the words to tell you what to do.”
How about offering to help someone?
“I want to make you a meal.” That’s an offer.
“Can I make you a meal?” That’s asking for permission to help.
Often when I am so low that I feel like I need help, it’s actually less about the help that I need, and more about the connection.
“Can we go on a date? I know you getting childcare is hard for you, I can help OR we can bring the kids.”
Yep, for this single mama, even a date with the kids is better than no date at all.
Pick up the phone and reach out.
I know that not everyone wants to talk on the phone. Some people prefer texting. Some people want you to stop by.
Me, I want all of these things. My preference is to stop by, but letting me know first is best. 2nd best is talking on the phone.
Ask to touch me
“Can I rub your back?” Asking for permission is good!
Help get the need met
If someone asks for help they are making themselves vulnerable.
How you respond can be so important.
“I appreciate you for asking for help meeting your needs.”
“I love you and I want you to be well.”
“Let me think about how I can help you meet that need.”
Practice replacing the word “busy” with “full”
When I hear busy, I think “this is not a priority for me”. Which is fine and may be true. But, what I noticed is that as I changed my use of the word “busy”, I was able to see how I do prioritize things. It’s like taking control of my life rather than allowing it to become “busy”, and wondering how and why I just can’t make time for that friend who has reached out for help.
Build Trust and Remember that Recovery is a Deep, Dark Process
This is why people don’t ask for help. They don’t want to share their depths or darkness with anyone.
If you notice that something is wrong, say something.
And practice saying something when things are not wrong, to build trust.
Believe them
Honor their truth.
Honor their body.
Honor their mind.
Honor their spirit.
Treat them like a whole human.
